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Who doesn’t love a happy ending? Certainly Hollywood does. I don’t. Do you? A happy ending can be enjoyable, but it’s a guilty pleasure. Sure, happy endings are sweet, but they aren’t real life, the way that candy bars aren’t real food. A few seconds of intense pleasure, a brief tingle followed by the inevitable crash. Movies, though, fade to the credit crawl while you still have that tingle.

So… how would it end if it were more like life? What would you change to make it more lifelike? Maybe you don’t change anything. Maybe you could just let the movie play instead of fading to the credit crawl… and see what happens…

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Biggest Spoiler Alert Ever

if you haven’t seen the movies, be aware that not only do I give away the endings, I mangle them… and I won’t even apologize, because that’s just how I roll.

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Bad Santa Goes Dark

Bad Santa is about two conmen who work once a year. Christmas. Dressed as Santa (Billy Bob Thornton) and his elf (Tony Cox), instead of spreading holiday good will, they rob each department store they work in. Things start to drift off plan when Santa meets a woman bartender with a thing for Santas, and 8-year old boy (Brett Kelly) who will teach him the true meaning of Christmas.

The movie’s ending is rather complicated. Santa is deterred from killing himself when the kid walks in on him with a black eye. Santa wants to teach the kid to take care of himself. Meanwhile the store security man/gangster Gin (Bernie Mac) finds out about Santa’s plan, he demands half the money.

The elf, feeling like Santa isn’t pulling his weight anymore, kills Gin and betrays Santa, but the cops show up before he can shoot Santa. Cops chasing him, Santa drives to the kid’s house in a desperate attempt to deliver the kid’s Christmas present. He is shot EIGHT TIMES as he reaches the porch.

Somehow, he survives. It’s all wrapped up with a neat little bow when we learn that the elf is in prison, Santa’s been given immunity because of his confession put the elf away, and we fade out with a warm fuzzy feeling when the kid kicks the bully who gave him the black eye.

The ending pushes the limits of credibility… but let’s say we don’t change a thing…. do they live happily ever after?

I think not. Santa can’t lay off the bottle, which raises hell with his bullet-perforated liver.

The kid, meanwhile, feeling his new power, becomes the new neighborhood bully. He’s far meaner than the old bully. Santa falls down the stairs drunk and is now bedridden and helpless, but still can’t stop drinking. The kid, now a stone cold psycho, feels nothing but contempt for Santa.

The kid finds out from the elf that Santa has a stash somewhere of ill-gotten gains, a very, very large pile of money. The kid tortures Santa with a lit cigarette until Santa tells him where it is. The kid finds the money, and kills Santa. With Santa dead, he starts spending the money. The cops break down the door to find the kid playing on a Playstation 3 bought with stolen money, and haul the kid off. Before the kid makes it to baby booking, The kid gets shanked in by another hardened juvie criminal and bleeds to death in his cell.

OK. So I don’t love a Happy Ending. But I DO love a double feature! Yay!

The Notebook Is Full of Crap

Fade in on a nursing home. An old man, Duke (James Garner) is reading a story to an old woman (Gena Rowlands). It’s the story of Allie (Rachel McAdams) and Noah (Ryan Gosling,) two lovers who meet as seventeen year olds. She’s a city girl, he’s a country boy. Her family has money, his doesn’t. They spend the entire summer together, but Allie has to go away to college.

Noah writes her 365 letters, she never gets any of them. Seven years pass and Allie falls in love with a wealthy soldier (James Marsden). She sees Noah’s picture in the paper, and gets all nostalgic. They spend a few days together. She doesn’t want to leave… eventually, she must choose which man she wants to be with…

and it turns out not only is the story true, but the old woman a) IS Allie and b) can’t remember a damn thing most of the time, she’s got Alzheimer’s… get this… (big surprise) Duke is… NOAH. Oh, like totally no way. YES WAY! It’s him. I don’t think I’ve recovered from that shocking twist, even now.

Duke reads to Allie as her memory fades in and out. Finally, it fades out, Allie yells at him like he’s a stranger, and he has a heart attack. He recovers, goes to her room and… and… and… SHE REMEMBERS HIM!!! WHOA.

He lies down on the bed with her and they wish for their love to carry them away. Later… a nurse finds them in bed together… Dead. Holding hands.

So they’re dead. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, he can’t possibly touch that happy ending, can he? OH YES HE CAN. See, arm in arm, Allie and Noah are on their way to the afterlife…
But something goes horribly wrong. There’s a clerical error. They are sent to the wrong afterlife. They’re… in the South Park universe. At the Pearly Gates, they find out that the Mormons were the only ones who had it right. They’re sent to Hell. Hell being hell, they have to wait a really long time at check-in.

While Satan is busy bickering with his lover, Saddam Hussein, and Allie’s in the bathroom (you have to pee all the time in hell, part of why they call it “hell”). As Noah’s waiting, he spots… Marilyn Monroe.

He can’t resist. He shags her. Meanwhile, Allie comes out of the bathroom and catches them in the act. Heartbroken, she runs and flings herself into the Lake of Fire.

Noah sees this and he, too, is heartbroken. To add insult to injury, Marilyn Monroe is a lousy lay. It turns out Hell is… well, it’s Hell.